The two events of my senior year in high school that I most want to record are very different from each other. One is a thought that I had, or a realization I experienced while sitting alone in a nook in the architecture of the school, a place created by two wings of the building, a little lawn and a tree in the middle of it, a place where for some reason there was no established group presence and I could be alone at times even in the chaos and noise of the lunch period. I was sitting with my back against that tree and realizing that I was being focused on by something that had to be as powerful as the government if it wasn't the government, though it seemed likely that it was. That I was being taken down or attacked, watched and sabotaged, and that I was alone and there was not much I was going to be able to do about it from where I was, a 17 year old teenaged boy living at home with his working mother, who was herself so devastated by the events in her life, past and immediate present, that she could barely even see me as it was. I don't remember a lot about that moment but I remember thinking to myself that I should memorize it, the tree, the lawn, the buildings. my being alone and as much as I could hold of what was going on. I did, and given the toll exacted on my memory and the working of my mind by events since that time all those years ago, it's a kind of victory for me, a small one but a clear one, that I can remember that moment at all.
The other event was around that same time, I was at home - a car pulled up, some guys got out - which was not unusual, I had friends, they came over in groups or singly, I was near-sighted then, though not as badly as now, so what I registered at first was what I remember as a trio of scruffy thin mannish boys. My friends exactly. When they knocked at the door I answered it the way I usually did, but they brushed past me rudely and quickly - the last one shutting the door, and as I recovered a little from that or tried to balance it with what I thought was happening - my friends coming over - the momentum they had carried us into the living room, and I remember this so vividly, seeing that the one I thought was Freddy had a toupee on that hardly looked like his hair at all, and that shock is what I carry from that time, that's the trigger moment, when I knew that something very bad was happening. The rest is blank.

put here 3:19 PM

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