They used to ask me that stock TV shrink phrase thing "These voices in your head, Michael do they ever tell you to...harm someone?"
And I'd say, "No...not really." And they'd say, "Well, what do the voices say?"
"Uhm, mostly stuff like...'Watch out!' or 'Oh God, no!' or 'Hurry!' ...stuff like that."
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My life has been taken over by well-meaning assholes. Taken over meaning they're here, just cruising along all happy like ticks on a junkie. Like fans with constant access. I would imagine there's services like that now. Private security cams of your favorite celebrities. Special introductory offers. What can it hurt? They're already on camera anyway. They can't know. How could they know?
And because no one has made that a crime, it's ok! And of course it doesn't matter what I say about it.
I am filled with despair and raging frustration because you're here in my life. You make me hate, blindly, everything.
It's not OK with me. It's not even slightly OK. It's so wrong I can't think about it with out getting speechless and mad with rage.
It's like being drugged into co-operation with a molester. Helpless to fight back and invaded in the most intimate way, and the whole time he's telling you how good it feels how fun it is.
Being used by a sick thing more powerful than I am.
It's how I imagine the slaves felt, treated lovingly by their masters, forced to choose between death or a life that would never be anything but compromise and a participation in the enslavement of their relatives.
And the same smug righteousness you feel, they felt then. Superior. Confident. Blessed. Looking at the dark inferior. Using what came to hand, the broken lives of the near-animal.
And there's the other side, the "you deserve it" or "safety and security first". The ones who say it doesn't matter about the individual loss of freedom, it's for the greater good. So remember that, when you go, you're going for the greater good. Just not your greater good.
I won't serve you. Not unless it's freely given. This isn't freely given.
This is slavery. I don't want you here.
The closer you get the angrier I get.
I hate you, anonymous, clueless, well-intentioned. ASSHOLE.
I don't want you anywhere near me. I don't care what they told you going in, you are only here because I'm a slave, a prisoner, a thing in chains. Because I can't get away from you. It is not a good thing. It's evil. And it will only become more evil. Get away from me.
I really mean that.You need to see it. You only have access to me because I can't get away from you. I want more than anything else in this world to get away from you but I can't. Do you understand why I hate you now?
You were raised to believe that all that matters is why you do something. But that's a lie. That was made up by people who benefit from your believing that. Because then you don't try as hard. Because it doesn't matter what you do, only why you do it. You're a slave too. Only I'm paying the price. Do you see why I hate you now?
I don't want you here. I don't want an audience. Get back from me. You are not welcome here. I'd rather be in a jail cell with nothing to do but listen to the dull minds of the guards and the other prisoners all day. I'm not going to help you with this. You aren't going to benefit from it. It's going to hurt you. Get away from me.

put here 5:50 PM

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