I used to get kidnapped a lot. Not so much for ransom as re-education, or so I could be informed as to consequences of things. I wasn't in college but I read you know, a lot. This one time I went up to Berkeley to see my friend that I remembered, in the midst of some horrible trauma that I couldn't remember.
It was like that then. And she sort of knew about it. I used to in those days sort of screech out some cues before I went back under, and people would hold them for me. Not always, and later not at all but in those early days it worked more than a couple of times.
She wasn't at the house I went to. That was another thing. I kept being at houses and the people would ask me how I knew about it, or I'd call and someone would say "How'd you get this number?" And I wouldn't know and trying to figure that out would make something else happen and then I'd be all brand new again.
I know exactly what that sounds like, what it looks like on the page.
It was hard on my social life. I think it's that once they get in there deep enough you're kind of implemented.
So at this house it was a feminist commune and there was a woman there all fiery and powerful and she used me like a little boy. Or rather she vented her spleen all over my hapless self. And I kept fighting this rear-guard action, the way you do, trying to find the door, couldn't find the door.
So she was mostly right in a lot of ways, I realized that later, but it's always about ripping these illusions away, you have to have something to put back there, it makes a wound otherwise, people bleed, they get infected.
Somewhere in the midst of all that she said something about the system, and all the institutions and I said but you know you have an education, thanks to the system, and she said,
"I repudiate my education!"
Later on I figured out she was probably a Marxist.
Numerology I don't know much about. I do know that there's another way to work time. You can go backwards through it I know that. It just has all these pragmatic difficulties. And I think somewhere way way back there it gets real weird.
Also you have to have a physical connection to things, just like going this way you need a body to carry you along. It isn't perfectly symmetrical something about this direction is more valid. And something about the alphabet relates to that. The alphabet's hugely occult. So I think that kicks the puppy-scholars up into the symbol voudoun.
And they generate signals based on their discoveries. It's in the alphabet and it may be in the numbers too, but I don't see it. And I also don't trust at all the benevolence of the originators. Those were not people or agencies I trust that did that. I'm not saying I know who it was, I'm saying I don't trust them whoever they were.
The steps lead somewhere but where? The search itself sends a vibration out. And there's demons and shit that home in on those signals. It doesn't have to be True true does it? I mean all the way true. It can be true for here, true for now, and still ultimately a false thing.
The I Ching works with your credulous innocence, and founders on your cynical rejection. Tarot, all of it. The spirit thing is real but nobody I've ever heard talk about it knew. They knew what worked for them, and so it gets all new-age and homeopathically watered down to unmeasurable amounts. You don't need to know how the gun works past where the bullets go, and where the safety is.
It isn't like that, it's not even like this. But I am moving through here, this isn't coming from somewhere else. That's the main point.
Compassion can be theorized into mammalian wiring and hormonal triggers, a mechanical response to stimulus, but it doesn't hold. It's those teenage logic puzzles of prove you exist, without socking me I mean.
I had it earlier today around beauty, how useless it is, how non-existant if you don't have that response, it just isn't there. The desperate aliens trying to pass memorize the template, big swathes of bright colors, water, green trees balance of line and form; but there's so much under all that.
Harmony ultimately, and I think there's an ultimate harmony.
I have never seen a naturally-occurring combination of colors that didn't harmonize. And I've spent a lot of my adult life in the natural world. I noticed it one day after seeing some man-made artifice that was chromatically creepy, and I started consciously looking for it. Never seen it. There's a harmony there that goes all the way, and I think that's because it comes from all the way. Not that nature is the place, but that it's an unadulterated piece of it, like the stars. The idea being that the universe, the whole thing, isn't some flat neutral background, it's tipped toward the living, and harmonic resonance.
Moving toward that is the objective. Moving away from it is the cause of all our troubles.
The scam is the same as any other, to represent the path and sell access to it.
Demanding things before we get our heads clear enough to know what to ask for keeps us at the mercy of charlatans and worse.
What do you want? Your children safe for the length of their lives, but still inside the limits and boundaries of flesh and blood? Eternal life from the scalpeled nerves and open skulls of the primate lab?
We don't know what to ask for, but there's something here that does I think. A bunch of sick fucks with their hands on the wheel. What difference does it make if you had to exterminate people who were better than you by every criteria you maintain, if you get there first and they don't? You can rewrite the book to fit your own story.
It's coming toward a kind of eternal moment that's what I think. A center. Like the big bang they want you to think came out of nowhere. There is a lot of esoteric gangsterism, that's what drove those sorry sonsabitches to Washington. And the backwash is all glory and endorphin bliss.
So yeah numerology. Only it's all way weirder even than that. Every thing person place and idea that I put my faith in has been taken down right in front of me or turned into something that hurt too much to hold on to. I don't see myself as heroic for that, more like something so perfectly fitted to the inside of the categorical divide I ended up back outside. And an object for retaliation against what I did and didn't do, what I seemed to have done but didn't, and the unamelioration of what I did that never got recognized as what it was.
It seems obvious the 'Straussians' are gorged on innocence, licking the grease and marrow off their lips, but morality isn't going to win in any biological arena. It's what I meant about the pepsis wasp.
Once you give the co-ordinates that 180 degree backspin the prospect of another species that looks exactly like this one moving amongst us doesn't seem so freaking bizarre does it?
If they're groping backward through to here, to fix their own origin? Or something?
So it's either all rosy dawn or blood-red sunset - the light's rising, or the darkness is.
I can't say. I'm not sure. I do know I don't trust anybody who says they can tell.

put here 9:19 PM

archives