it isn't easy. I could say that all day say nothing else and feel pretty good about getting the truth laid out plain and clear. it's hard. the scummy righteousness that violated me will never fade. I'm not interested in establishing guilt for anyone. it's pure animal stuff. I get big enough and you're gone. I don't and I live with a level of frustration that I have never encountered in any narrative ever.
the auditors have this reaction when I write stuff like the Holocaust piece, as though I'm trying to establish an alternate self, an other, a self whose legitimacy will overshadow the thing they think I am. but it's not true. I am all that. my point all along has been only that I was marked early for my ability to articulate and for my defiance. and that I was set up as cunningly as possible in a way it's taken me all these years to get clear enough to even begin to glimpse. I'll never understand what happened, and it will never be all right, it will never be some 'karmic' payback or the inevitable result of my own incompetence or corruption. it is the sickness of this world encapsulated, the sickness of the God of this world, whatever its nature. over and over again these 'angels' have appeared in my life. I remember many of them. their auras clean and bright. but I've seen people like that too. over and over again. smug zealots newage prophets, policemen with clean consiences, the elite of the professional world, smug with the long placid results of carnage and military victory, the history of America. the bright and shining peace of America in the 50's. the clean grace of so many of the children of what America was and had done, had been.
I don't care about all that as much as I did. I have one goal and one goal only. to establish as firmly and obviously as I can that I had what they feared, an intelligence, a soul, and the spirit of defiance, and the willingness to lead. to show that with what I have left, and let's be real clear about this, I have brain damage, I have neural damage, fear keeps me spinning even now, the beatings I've taken and the still-unrecoverable nightmares of my late teen years, when whatever was done to me was really done to me. add to that the damage of years of trying to obliterate the pain and the shame of who I became after all that. I remember little bits here and there you know, a meeting in Fairfax when I was still frozen with laboratory conditioning and pain etc. etc. I don't care what you think happened. only that you be forced to recognize what I'm saying. I had these abilities and so much more, far more than I bring to this. that is my only point. it was here, they were terrified of it. and they did what they could to destroy it. did really. and out of that came what I am. and out of what I am came what you think I am. a partial image, an image you now have to adjust constantly so that your own reactions to what that was can still seem justifiable. and my point again. this is a small remnant of what I was. I was hit early and hard. again and again. until they were certain I wouldn't be a threat.
now we'll see how well they succeeded.

put here 9:05 PM

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