well my favorite Bible quote is in Proverbs somewhere, in the 30's I think, and it is that "the blueness of a wound is its cleansing, and stripes are good for the inward part of the belly." I'm only saying that because of bellona times and that Bacon thing which I didn't cop early enough was going to be this kind of, who was that French guy? Huysmanns thing. Crowley came up in a link path from the admirably recondite bellona, site of some anti-heretical anal scholastic, {not bellona some other guy}, so then I'm part way in, and then it's just well fuck it there's no time left anyway. and they're not gonna stop til they're dead or we are. I have a couple main points

think how we were all trained to believe that merely exposing someone's argument as absurd or illogical was enough to win

think how we were all or most all trained to straddle the seeming division between biology and 'spirituality', without ever really being on either side

think how we were all trained to view time as only possibly being this one directional flow from (our)birth to (our) death
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imagine tearing placental membranes as wide as the known universe, but with all the blood and gore and shrieking maternal agony too.
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imagine the way you had so much control of your present circumstance when you were younger. degrees tattoos marriage condoms car payments an Athlon XP2200 conversational Italian etc. that you, then, had more power over this you, now, immeasurably more it seems, than you now do over that one then. because it would seem you have none. no feedback. no way to communicate. or were we just trained to ignore it? or is it unevenly distributed among us? the Scots version is called 'second sight', precognition, prophesy, it's common enough to have a name, delusion or no. major cue to the danger of this idea is the scorn that kicks up when it's broached to unbelievers.
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so what about if something, or some group of someones, could get organized and do that? what would that be? what would happen? wouldn't they evolve? but not in a linear way like 'us'. right? because they aren't exactly going the same way 'we' are.
my current stance and it's only that, current, now, these days, is, almost all metaphysical revelation is wannabe, versions and attempts and hopes, and I'm sickened beyond purge by all of it. the culturally adjacent most especially, but all. all that grasping and smug 'being'. any metaphysic that says things are right is anathema to me. disaster and blame, stillborn dream and OZ wizardry with no Dorothy, no Glenda, no Tick-Tock even, just Munchkin haste and fear and heartless brainless cowardice.
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look how everything has been stolen and turned upside down. it's the backwash of the no-future guys. slamming into the wall. precognitive turbo burning up all the steady fuel for that last desperate try and then post-compression they go back the other way, til it, too, dissipates in little mammalian furtivities, and then climbing back through the same grid and maze, each step more enlightened and more desolate. wanting out. examine all solutions that purport to rescue, that's my clunky motto for the hour. {and an aside. do you see that I'm trying to help you with your homework while at the same time some psycho grinds his teeth into my one good ear? can you see that? it's real. can you imagine how that is? how easy it would be to give in again to the bitter denunciation and goofy negativity...}
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so the big questions are always the same. what's in it for me? who's on first? and that one no one's ever asked in a way that made sense to me, what's going on here? does it matter?
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and my answer? no. not the way you mean that. no payoff, no reward, not like gold or heaven or orgasm or any of that low-rent carrot-and-stick turned outward, toward the exo-biologically infinite. no it doesn't matter. no, you can burn the whole thing to the ground and there won't be a comeback. just like when you were a kid you could have reached over and jerked the wheel when your Dad wasn't expecting it, right at that place in the curve, no more nuclear family and that's that. there is no coverage, no punishment, just loss.
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but that's where the beauty is too, the other way goes all the way. you don't, but so what. something does, and it stands or falls on your act.
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that's the gig pretty much. a lot of mistakes were made with all the hellbound intentions and rank justifications but you know deep down it was chickenshit, and the backflip of hedonistic sex-as-car-detailing that too. it's a little train of logic nobody answers. acting right is important cause of kids and kids are important cause of later on and later on is important cause of oh shit the world's coming to an end so hey nothing matters. so ok. nothing matters. no I mean it it's ok with me. however you want to play it out. I'm just trying to get it down as clear as I can.}

put here 8:12 PM

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